Tool definitions (Humor)

Every now and then I like to post something funny on my blog, so here is the latest:

Yes, we all know what tools are intended for, we also know we should use the right tool for the job.

This is a list of how tools actually get used, Enjoy
Drill Press
Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, shit!”

Skill Saw
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Belt Sander
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
Table saw
Table Saw
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

Pry Bar
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Hose Cutter
A tool used to make hoses too short.

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son-of-a-bitch TOOL

Utility Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son-of-a-Bitch Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, “Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

If you liked this and want to see some of the other funny post here are some:
Poking fun at home inspectors
How to buy a bank owned Home
Compare Microsoft and GM

On a serious Note; if you need a home inspector, Scott has served in several positions of leadership in Arizona ASHI, and currently is on the Board of Directors for The American Society of Home Inspectors He is state certified and serves on the BTR Enforcement Advisory Committee for Home Inspectors. You can find Scott the AZ Home Inspector here

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